I am a person who loves to wear hats. So, when I first visited the Middle East back in 1997, I wore all my different hats; baseball caps, straw hats, beanie caps, fancy women's hats, men's hats, you name it I had it from all decades of the fashion eras!! I thought wearing these was appropreiate as my "head" was covered. When I returned in 2010 my style included not only wearing hats, but scarves...I love them, and so I thought I'd fit in perfectly as I could wear a scarf everyday without people thinking I had cancer.
Up until now, I wear my scarves tied in a variety of ways, but no matter what look I finally come up with I am told I wear my scarf like an old woman or a Bedouin (indiginous people of the land). I am fine with this, as I am very independent by nature and usually known for my originality.
However, after living in the village for a little over a year, I have come to become a bit self-conscious. I noticed I don't cover up as much as the other women. I usually cover my neckline with a cute necklace, as I love jewlery as well...however, I was just recently informed this does not fly with the rules of Islam. Apparently, the look is not for fashion, as I had worn it, but to cover all areas that might appear "sexy" to a man. So, I guess the neck, ears, chest and hair are all too sexy for a man to see. Go figure.
This has really got me confused. Everytime I get ready to go out in the village, I try to find a new style and way to wrap my hijab. However, each time I end up with bangs and curls hanging out of the scarf. I have a high forhead and just don't feel I look my best with my face sticking out and material wrapped around my head. And so, try as I might to tuck it in, I always leave with my bangs pulled off to the front side a bit.
I was raised in America, and have the thinking that it is important to feel good about yourself, as this gives you confidence which leads to happiness and success. I have a group of friends back home and we all call each other "Goddess"'..meaning celebrating and acknowledging being the beautiful woman that you are, and expressing yourself as a woman. However here, it seems that if you are to express yourself as a woman, then it is haram. (Bad, and you will not enter heaven.)
Although I have been questioning all of this, I have chosen to be confident and wear my hijab the way I feel comfortable with. But I had a rather enlightening experience last night as I sat around for hours with four of my favorite female relatives. They were talking about how women who wear their hair up high on the back of their head, yet still fully cover everything required are actually "haram." I asked why and they said because you are showing the man that you have beautiful hair (although it is completely covered!!) and that if you do this the Qur'an says you will not eneter the kingdom of heaven. I asked if they all believed this to be true, as I laughed at how ridiculous this sounded, but they all nodded and agreed. WOW!!
I guess it is a sin to appear attractive. I wanted to enquire further. "What about wearing make-up, and dressing in fashionable clothing, isn't that haram as well, with this philosphy?" However, I remained silent, as I knew that this conversation would not end well, as clearly, I am haram!
So, here I am in Jordan. I assume all the people, including my family, feel I am not going to heaven, because I have bangs and wear necklaces...crazy!!
